


Scars and pain

by Yesteryearqueerdo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anger, Full Moon, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pain, Remus is angry, Remus is angsty, Scars, Sirius is caring, bad full moon, dude i don't know what else to tag, implied wofstar, it's just Sirius and Remus being gay angsty wizard boyfriends, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-23 00:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11391357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yesteryearqueerdo/pseuds/Yesteryearqueerdo
Summary: Remus wakes up after a particularly bad moon and things gradually go down the hill as he wakes up to something awful. But no one tells him what exactly went wrong.Angsty, sad Remus, and caring Sirius.Reading time: 10-15 minutes





	Scars and pain

Wet. Warm. All over his hands. Cold hands that pulled his nails away from the itching flesh on his face.

„Don't, Rem.“

He could hear Sirius talking, he could feel him holding his hands and cleaning the blood off them and his face, he could smell Sirius' presence and he could taste blood in his mouth. Fearing the damage he might have done, he kept his eyes closed and whimpered involuntarily every time Sirius touched one of his wounds.

„'m sorry. We're almost done.“

A few minutes later he could feel the mattress shift as Sirius sat down on the old bed next to him after having knelt on the floor to clean up his wounds. He heard him sigh and prepared himself for the unavoidable question.

„How are you feeling?“

Remus groaned and shook his head, which caused the middle of his face to light up with white, sharp pain again, shooting trough his entire head. His hands immediately jerked up to his face again, this time stopped by the same cold hands that cleaned him before. After as far as possible adjusting to the pain, he forced his itching, swollen eyes open.

Concerned Sirius, shitty old bed, even shittier shack, his clothes lying on a chair, no dead bodies. If he did kill someone, at least the others had the decency to put the body away.

„I'm okay“, he tried to sound convincing, he really did, but his voice came out as nothing but a choked whisper and he became aware of the pain in his lungs.

„Yeah, sure, Moony“, Sirius laughed as he started climbing over Remus' limp body to lay behind him on the small bed. „How about you try to sleep a little more, hm? We've still got time.“

Remus decided it was better to close his eyes again, as the sun started burning them trough the window and mumbled something close to a sound of approval to make Sirius content.

An arm was wrapped around his waist, a hand held his own close to his chest, a head was pushed against his shoulders, air was exhaled against his skin, lips pressed to his neck.

Pain. Pain. Why did the pain always have to be here? Why did it never really leave him? Why did the fucking pain have to ruin everything?

Soft fingers stroked his, smooth hair tickled his neck, a firm chest pressed closer to his bare back while strong legs pushed against his own blanket-covered ones.

He didn't get to cuddle with his boyfriend on a daily basis, thanks to homophobia and dorms, all they ever got were the mornings after full moons when James and Peter were already off to get some sleep themselves and these cuddles were always accompanied by pain.

Remus knew all kinds of pain. Remus knew the sharp, throbbing pain of open wounds. Remus knew the dull, heavy pain of overstrained muscles. Remus knew the raw, scraping pain of joints rubbing together.

He knew what broken bones felt like, what dislocated bones felt like, what a concussion felt like and he knew what it felt like to miss a fingernail.

He knew all that. He knew it all and he was tired of it.

So fucking tired.

~~~~~~~

Not knowing whether and how long he had slept, he was woken by Sirius' whispers. „Hey, Rem“, soft fingers stroked his jaw, „Moony? Hey. Class starts soon. I'm cool with skipping if you want me to stay, but... you know. Minny's mad enough at me for painting mustaches on all the portraits in our corridor and -they _were_ rather good, I still don't quite get her problem, it improved that one blokes' face a _lot_ \- well, anyway. School or no school today, Moons?“

„No school.“, his lungs and vocal cords hurt a lot less, the healing spells must finally be starting to show their results, „but could you go and take notes for me?“

Even though he wasn't able to see him, he could hear Sirius breathing in behind him as if to protest.

„Don't be a Drama Queen and take the fucking notes for me, love.“

He couldn't help but grin as Sirius exhaled the air he had been breathing in against his bare shoulder, which was followed by a „Fiiine“, and a kiss accompanied by some tongue and teeth and hands on his chest and-

„Sirius. Honestly.“, he took hold of Sirius' hands and intertwined their fingers, „I might be able to talk again, but I'm definitely not up for messing around. Just... go and take some notes, Madam Pomfrey will be here soon anyway, alright?“

Two minutes later, a slightly messy (but still hot. (Jesus, are you _gay_ , Remus)) looking Sirius was starting to climb trough the trapdoor while Remus was still lying in bed, tangled in the blanket and smiling half-heartedly at Sirius when suddenly a thought from the early hours crossed his mind.

„Hey, Sirius.“, he called out.

Sirius, who had been trough the trap door already and about to close it stuck his head back out, „What is it?“

The memory of tasting blood in his mouth came back to Remus and he remembered expecting a corpse lying around. Fucking hell, what had happened?

„Did... did I hurt anyone?“, he asked, furrowing his brow and keeping his gaze fixed on Sirius, who gave a nervous laugh and shook his head.

„Well, you... Something happened.“, he answered, looking almost as if he was sorry.

Remus must have started to look panicked -which he felt like too, frankly- because Sirius immediately changed his way of approaching the topic:

„Everyone's alright. No one got injured, Moony.“ , his face darkened with a painful look for a second as realization hit him, „except for you, of course. It's all gotten a bit complicated... I don't remember all of it either... Do you mind if we talk it over later?“

„No, no! Of course not, don't worry, Pads, it's all fine. See you later, take notes!“ , the words streamed out of him, anything to make Sirius just _leave_. Which he did, with raised eyebrows and a questioning look on his face.

What the fucking hell had happened. What had he done? What had he done and why wouldn't Sirius tell him?

The bad thoughts had a strong grip on him that day.

He thought about what horrible things he might have done to his friends while Madam Pomfrey cared for what Sirius hadn't already mended and healed.

He thought about being a disgusting monster while he put on his robes from the night before.

He thought about how awful it would be to go trough transformations on his own again and how he probably deserved just that while he sneaked trough the castle and up to the common room.

He thought about how nice it would be not to wake up again while falling asleep in his clothes.

~~~~~~~~

He slept for several more hours, thankfully in his own bed and not in the hospital wing for once. Thanks to Sirius self-taught healing skills which got better each month, Madam Pomfrey had let him go. When he finally woke up in the late hours of the afternoon, his body was still sore, his muscles were aching and his bones felt like they would let him fall to the floor the second he put any weight on them.

He sighed. It was no use to lie in bed all day, his body would keep hurting anyway, so he could just as well go looking for Sirius and get the notes for the day. Even tough he gave his best to keep his mind on the subjects he missed that day while opening his eyes, slowly sitting up and making his way towards the door that led to the common room, he couldn't help but pay attention to the little nagging voice in the back of his head that made him nauseous and his breathing faster.

He'd have to face Sirius. Sirius and the others and he would find out what he had done. Swallowing the lump that had begun to form in his throat, he pushed open the door to the common room and descended the few steps that still separated him from the warm room filled with soft golden light, comfortable red chairs and the sound of laughter and scribbling quills.

As he started moving as fast as possible towards Sirius and Peter, who were sitting by the fireplace, he noticed an unusually high number of eyes following him, quickly looking away when he caught them.

_What have you done, Remus. Everybody knows already what happened, they're disgusted by you._

„Remus!“, he had reached his friends, Sirius was beaming at him and started pushing parchment and books off the couch he was sitting on, so Remus could sit down, while Peter gave him a tired smile before returning to the essay he was writing.

„I took notes for you, you were right, Transfiguration _is_ rather interesting when you actually pay attention and- hey, are you alright?“

His tone changed as he noticed Remus' worried expression and a second later Remus found himself next to Sirius, his arms wrapped around him as he desperately tried to calm his breath while staring into Sirius' shoulder, determined to keep his eyes open to keep them from spilling any tears.

„What have I done, Pads“, he whispered into Sirius' shoulder, fully aware of Peter throwing the pair of them weird looks, „no one will look at me. Please, please just-“

His whispered pleading was interrupted by Sirius who softly pushed him away at the shoulders and looked at him with a forced smile and an arched eyebrow.

„Remus, I think you have a very, very wrong impression about what happened. I think it's best when you and I have a talk up in the dorm.“

~~~~~~~~

Remus could see the back of Sirius' body as he rummaged trough the trunk at the foot of his bed until he finally stopped and triumphally pulled out a round hand-mirror.

While Remus shifted uncomfortably on the bed he was cross-leggedly sitting on, Sirius straightened up and quickly threw a look at his hair in the mirror, pushed his right hand trough it and finally made his way trough the room towards the bed Remus was sitting on.

Turning the mirror upside-down, Sirius put it onto the blanket and let himself fall right next to it, pulling his feet onto the bed after him and crossing his legs just the way Remus had done, so they were facing each other. Remus' heart was pounding in his throat by now, anxiety was bubbling up his stomach and he only lifted his head when he felt Sirius' careful touch on his hands.

„Well...“, begun Sirius, clearing his throat and avoiding Remus' gaze for a second before fiercely locking their eyes together again, „I don't quite know how to get this to you, so I'll just... tell you I guess?“

Remus didn't respond, just lifted his chin a little higher, swallowed as much of the anxiety as possible down and looked Sirius in the eye, preparing himself for what was yet to come.

_Why couldn't Sirius just tell him, why did there always have to be so much_ drama _with Sirius?_

„But there's one thing I need you to remember before I tell you the whole ruddy thing. And I want you to promise me something.“, Sirius' eyes darted around in the little space between the two, he was clearly uncomfortable with whatever he was going to say.

„Remus, I want you to remember that I completely, utterly believe that you are the most beautiful person I have met in my life.“, Sirius' eyes were now staring pleadingly back into Remus', who was now not scared anymore, but slowly growing angrier and angrier at Sirius.

_How dare he say that to me, how dare he treat me like I'm a mass murderer and the bloody love of his life at the same time-_

„What do you want, Sirius?“, his voice came out colder than he expected it to.

Shocked by his own reaction, by the fact that the awful thoughts in his mind spilled over and by the hurt look on Sirius' face, he pulled his hands out of Sirius' grip and pushed himself away from the other boy, who suddenly felt way too close.

„Let's just get this over with, tell me what happened, no need to fake any fucking affection.“, he said with a dry laugh as he stared at Sirius in disbelief.

The latter seemed to struggle with himself as if he was trying to decide whether to snap at Remus or to swallow his pride and control himself for once. Remus could see the emotions washing trough Sirius face -hurt, pride, love, despair, frustration, confusion- as he kept his cold stare on Sirius tilted head.

Sirius felt so much. He always did. All Remus felt most of the time was exhaustion.

„Remus, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met and I need you to remember that.“, Sirius choked up with a shaking voice as he struggled to keep his eyes fixed on Remus' skeptical ones.

„I still don't understand the correlation this could possibly have to anything that might have happened tonight“

„You will, Remus, just let me talk.“

„I would love to hear you talk, Sirius,“, Remus shot the words at Sirius, his voice dripping with cynism, as he pushed himself up on his feet, „If _you_ would actually manage to get to the fucking _point_ for once.“

He massaged his eyes with his right hand for a few seconds, trying to calm his mind, breath, and heart before forcing himself back into reality. Sirius was sitting on the edge of the bed, kneading his hands, biting his bottom lip and shooting Remus and the floor hurt, desperate looks.

„Alright, Sirius.“, Remus pulled his shoulders back, forcing himself to stand up to his boyfriend, „You've got two options. You either tell me right here and now what happened, without a bloody opening speech, or I'm leaving and find out for myself. You've got one minute.“

The werewolf angrily pushed his hand trough his knotted hair -he should take a shower, he hadn't managed even that yet- and made his way towards one of the big windows, trough which the warm evening sun lit the dorm room. Watching the students, who were spending the last hours before curfew on the sunlit grounds, he rested his hands on the window sill while he counted down from sixty.

He could feel how Sirius rang for the right words behind him, occasionally letting out a single pleading word or the beginning of a sentence. After a minute, Remus turned around again, shrugged his shoulders and softly shook his head before making his way to the bathroom that was attached to their dorm.

~~~~~~~

„No, no, don't Remus!“, the second he had slammed the door shut, Sirius seemed to have been woken from his shock, as he was now slamming onto the door to the bathroom, „Please, just wait, let me explain...“

But Remus barely heard him. Remus barely noticed anything around him, as his eyes were way too occupied with examining what the mirror over the sink showed him.

He almost didn't recognize himself at first. Maybe because he couldn't. But maybe some part of him didn't want to believe that what he saw in the mirror could possibly be him.

Scars. There were scars everywhere. Big and ugly and awful und _everywhere_. Angry scars, thick, swollen scars, red and big and too much.

They seemed to start on his left cheek, where several deep and red gashes covered the once soft flesh. But that wasn't it. Of course it wasn't. They went on and on. A particularly bad one started in the cluster on his cheek and made its way all over his face, over his nose, next to his right eye and ended at his ear, where the lobe was missing. Several more covered his eyebrows, his lips, his forehead and his neck.

His throat tightened. Anger and hurt and upcoming tears made his breath hitch. Tears. Remus needed tears to let all the anger and hurt and the fucking _frustration_ out, to blur his vision, anything so he wouldn't have to see his defaced self in the fucking room full of mirrors.

But they didn't come. All that he got out was a dry sob that made his throat hurt even more and an angry groan trough clenched teeth as his fist flew up to smash the _fucking_ mirror in front of him.

He watched the blood-covered pieces of reflecting glass fall to the ground, crashing, shattering even more once they landed.

He heard his own groan and the shattering of the mirror as it was separated into a thousand pieces.

He felt pain in his right hand, shooting, and white, just the way his face had hurt this morning.

Defeat and shame slowly took over him as he staggered back from the mirror he had crashed, tears finally filling his eyes and spilling over.

~~~~~~~

He was lying on his bed again after being pulled out of the bathroom by Sirius who had eventually managed to get into it. Sirius was holding him close to his chest, whispering words that Remus was sure would have been calming, would he have listened. Occasionally, his boyfriend would loosen the hug a bit to look into Remus tear stained face and press a loving kiss to it.

„Padfoot?“, Remus tried to focus on the face that had been pushed against his seconds ago, „Would you tell me now? I won't interrupt, I'm sorry for being such an idiot, I won't mess up again-“

„Hey. Moony. Stop this shit.“, Sirius waited until Remus had given up their nonverbal fight until he cleared his throat and starting talking again.

„Alright. Well.“, his hand absentmindedly started combing Remus' hair, „I had my speech -as you so well put it- prepared but the mirror part was supposed to come up a lot later so I kind of have to change my plan now... one second.“, Remus loved him. He loved him so much.

„We all were in the shack, you started transforming, we changed into animal form; so everything was normal at first. But when you were in full wolf mode, it got weird. First, you didn't want to leave the shack, you were just throwing yourself against walls and growling.“, Sirius said with eyes full of pain.

„Then, you kind of started to chase Peter, I think he got really scared so hid in a hole in the wall but you tried to go after him and got a piece of wood stuck in your face, right there-“, he caressed Remus left cheek, the one where he had discovered the worst scars some minutes ago.

„You tried to get it out, but you were pushing it in even deeper with your paw. I think at some point it must have gotten out by itself or you stopped noticing it -your entire cheek was bleeding at that point, I doubt you felt the difference- but anyway, you ignored it and started clawing at the rest of your face, at your body... I'm sorry, but I think there are more scars.“

Remus felt numb. He nodded at Sirius' words, he took in what he said, but he didn't feel anything.

Except tired. But Remus was always tired.

„Do you have any idea why, Rem?“, Sirius was talking again, sounding concerned once more, „Like, do you know why you hurt yourself again? I thought it got better since we started joining you...“

„It did help, Sirius, it did. Maybe it was an old habit? I don't know. I don't know a bloody thing. I'm just too tired for all this _shit_...“ and just like that, there was a lump in his throat again and tears in his eyes, strong arms were holding him tightly again, Sirius was mumbling words and stroking his back, pressing kisses on top of his head.

After half an hour in which Remus consistently tried to calm his sobbing and eventually started to cry again, half an hour in which Sirius was desperately looking for the right words and half an hour in which neither quite knew what to do, the circle of tears, kisses, and compliments was interrupted by Remus starting to hiccup.

The first time he hiccuped made Sirius hold him even tighter.

The second time made Sirius chuckle and stroke his hair.

The third time made Sirius burst into giggles, which Remus gladly joined, happy to see the tension of the day finally washed away.

He was still in pain, he was still tired, he was still worried about getting caught with Sirius and sad for every reason in the world and no reason at all, but lying in bed with Sirius, cuddling with his boyfriend, just his, surrounded by warm blankets, limbs and laughter and the occasional sound of a hiccup where enough to make him feel at peace with the word, at least for a brief moment.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like I had to write this because it bothered me so much that everyone draws Remus with this big scar all the way over his nose but no one has any idea about how it got there. Also sorry for excluding James, but he is in detention in this fic (aka he would have asked too many questions).
> 
> Any comment is welcome! (except for upright hate)  
> If you notice any mistakes, please tell me. English isn't my first language and I'm always happy to learn more.


End file.
